River Theater

Choose one or two scenes to read at the auditions. Copies will also be available there.

If there isn’t a scene for a character you would like to play, choose something that’s close.

SC. 1 HOMER

HOMER; Edith, phone the reporter on the Weekly Chronicle and tell him what happened!  He may want to bring a photographer.  Well, what do you know. There it is as plain as day, “Terrific.”  What do you know!  Another miracle!

ARABLE: Homer, you’re going to have visitors all over the place today.

HOMER: I don’t know where we’ll put them. Yesterday, the driveway was practically full of cars and trucks.  Guess, we can put the vehicles in the open field.   You and Avery will direct traffic.

FERN: Does this mean you’re not going to kill Wilbur Uncle Homer?

HOMER: Who said anything about killing him?  

FERN: But that’s what happens to pigs…you know the conspiracy…

HOMER: Conspiracy? Where did you get a word like that?  Wilbur’s safe for now Fern.  As long as he’s attracting all this attention.  Come on Lurvy, we got work to do.  I think we’ll give Wilbur a second does, just for good measure.  Good work Lurvy, that pig will be well in not time.  He’s sure to win a blue ribbon now! Edith, give the pig his buttermilk bath.  People are going to come by and see him…and what’s written in the web.  Now let’s all get busy.  Lurvy, give him his breakfast.  Let’s go, Wilbur, this wil be a day you can tell your grandchildren about. 

Sc. 2. FERN/AVERY

AVERY: Fern!

FERN: In here, Avery.

AVERY: Mother sent me to get you .  You’re going to miss supper.

FERN: Coming.  Bye everybody.  And thank you Charlotte for whatever it is you’re going to do to save Wilbur.

AVERY: Who’s Charlotte?

FERN: The spider over there.

AVERY: Its tremenjus! 

FERN: Leave it alone!

AVERY: That a fine spider, and I’m going to capture it!

FERN: You stop it Avery!

AVERY: I want that spider.  Let go of my stick, Fern!

FERN: Stop it, stop it I say!  

They tug o’ war until Avery falls into the slop pit.  

AVERY: Help!

FERN: I warned you Avery!

AVERY: That’s not fair.  You and Wilbur ganged up on me!  

FERN: What’s that smell?

AVERY: I think we broke a rotten egg.  Let’s get out of here!

MRS ARABLE: You two come inside now.

FERN: Can’t I stay?

MRS. ARABLE: You should play with children your own age.  Like Tommy Watson.

FERN: Oh Mother.

MRS. ARABLE: Or Freddy Johnson.

FERN; Yuk.

AVERY: Or Henry Fussy.

FERN: Henry Fussy? She make a rude noise.

AVERY: Let’s go.

FERN: Good bye Wilbur.

SC. 3 SHEEP

FERN: Oh Wilbur I have some good news.  Uncle Homer seems glad you’re putting on weight.

SHEEP: Sure he is. And you know why, don’t you?

GOOSE: Now, now old sheep.

SHEEP: He has to know sometime.

WILBUR: Know what?

SHEEP: Wilbur, I don’t like to spread bad news.  But they’re fattening you up because they’re going to kill you.

WILBUR: They’re going to what?

SHEEP:: Kill you.  Turn you into smoked bacon and ham.  It’ll happen when the weather turns cold. It’s a regular conspiracy.

WILBUR: Stop!  I don’t want to die!  I want to breathe the beautiful air and lie in the beautiful sun!

SHEEP: You’re certainly making a beautiful noise.

CHARLOTE: Wilbur, I will help you.  I will write words in the web, but we’ll need new ideas.  

SHEEP: How about pig supreme?

CHARLOTTE: No good.  Sounds like a rich dessert.

SHEEP: Look, here comes Templeton.  Maybe he can help with this project.

TEMPLETON: Templeton only helps himself.  What’s up?

SHEEP: Did you see the message in the web?

TEMPLETON: No big deal.

SHEEP: It was a big deal to Zuckerman.  And now Charlotte needs new ideas.  When you go to the dump, bring back a clipping from a magazine.  Charlotte can copy the words.  It will help save Wilbur’s life. 

TEMPLETON: Let him die.  I should worry.

SHEEP: You’ll worry next winter when Wilbur is dead and nobody comes down here with a nice pail of slops

SC. 4 GOOSE/WILBUR

GOOSE: Hello, hello, hello!

WILBUR: Who…who are you?

GOOSE: The goose. And this is my friend, the Gander, Gander, Gander.

WILBUR.  But I only see one Gander and you introduced me to three.

GOOSE: No,  no, no.  We tend to repeat, repeat, repeat ourselves.  Do you have a name, besides “pig?”

WILBUR: Yes they call me Wilbur.

TEMPLETON: That’s a pretty tacky name if you ask me.

GOOSE: Well, nobody, nobody, nobody asked you.

WILBUR: Who was that?

GOOSE: Templeton the rat.  And here is the old, old sheep, and the little, little lamb.  Everybody, we have a new resident.  His name is Wilbur!

CHARLOTTE: I see your goslings have arrived.  

GOOSE: Thank you, thank you, thank you. We’re pleased as can be, be, be.

WILBUR: How many goslings are there?

GOOSE: Seven.  One didn’t hatch.  It was a dud I guess.

TEMPLETON: Can I have it?

GOOSE: Certainly, -ertainly, -eartinly.  Add it to your nasty collection.  

SC. 5. MR. ARABLE/MRS. ARABLE

MR. ARABLE/MRS. ARABLE

AVERY: What’s going on?

ARABLE: Your sister has a guest for breakfast, Avery. In fact, for a little while she’s going to be raising that pig.

AVERY: You call that miserable thing a pig?  He’s nothing but a runt.

ARABLE: Come in the house and eat your breakfast Avery.  The school bus will be along in half an hour.

AVERY: Can I have a pig too Pop?

ARABLE: No.  I only distribute pigs to early risers who are trying to rid the world of injustice.  Let’s eat.

MRS. ARABLE: Fern, honey, I found a baby’s nursing bottle and a rubber nipple.  I’ll pour some warm milk in it.  Bring your pig in and give him some breakfast.  Say, what’s his name anyway?

FERN: Wilbur!

MRS. ARABLE: Wilbur!

MR. ARABLE: Wilbur.  I like it.

MRS. ARABLE: Every morning, as soon as she got up, Fern warmed up his milk, tied his bib on and warmed his bottle for him.

MR. ARABLE: After breakfast, Wilbur always walked out to the road with Fern and waited until her school bus came.

MRS. ARABLE : Wilbur, you’re getting big enough to have something besides just milk. Try this bowl of cornmeal mush and honey.  

ARABLE: No longer was Wilbur a runt.  He was growing each day.  He was becoming quite a specimen of a pig.

MRS. ARABLE: Suppertime Wilbur!

ARABLE: Ok, pig, it’s time you graduated to slops.  Skim milk, potato skins, leftover sandwiches and marmalade drippings.  

MRS. ARABLE Before long, Wilbur was five weeks old.  He was big, and strong and healthy…

MR. ARABLE: And he was ready to be sold.

FERN: No papa, you can’t sell him, You just can’t!

ARABLE: He’s eating too much.  I can’t provide for him any longer.  I’ve already sold Wilbur’s ten brothers and sisters.  

MRS. ARABLE: Listen, everybody, I have a suggestion.  Why don’t we call the Zuckermans?  Your Uncle Homer sometimes raises a pig.  And if Wilbur goes there to live, Fern, you can walk down the road and visit him anytime you like. 

ARABLE: That’s not a bad idea Martha.  Come along Fern.  We’ll call Uncle Homer.  

FERN: Can Wilbur come too?

MRS. ARABLE: Why not, maybe he’ll make the call himself.

FERN: He can talk, you know.

MRS. ARABLE: Oh, Fern, What an imagination!

SC. 6 BABY SPIDER/WILBUR

SPIDER: Salutations!

WILBUR: Salutations? Who said that?

SPIDER: Me. I’m over here.  Three of us are staying. We like this place. And we like you.

WILBUR: Oh my goodness!  This is wonderful!  I’m calling you Joy, and you Aranea.

SPIDER: I need a name too. Pick one out for. Me.  Not too fancy and not too dumb.

WILBUR: How about….Nellie?

SPIDER: Fine.  I like that very much.

WILBUR: Joy, Aranae, Nellie, welcome to your new home.

SPIDER: Thank you.  Thank you very much.  Where did you get that handsome medal that you are wearing?

WILBUR: Well, it’s a long story…but right now I’m going to take this medal off.  Templeton, please hang it on that nail where Charlotte’s web used to be.

SC. 7 TEMPLETON/CHARLOTTE

CHARLOTTE: Now stop worrying about me Wilbur. This is your big day today.  I’m sure you’ll win.

TEMPLETON: What a night! What feasting and carousing.  A real gorge.  I must have eaten the remains of thirty lunches.  Oh, it was rich, my friends, rich.  

CHARLOTTE: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You’ll probably have an attack of acute indigestion.

TEMPLETON: Don’t worry about me. Wilbur’s the one you should be worrying about.

WILBUR: What do you mean?

TEMPLETON: I’ve got some bad news for you.  As I came past that big pig next door, the one that calls himself Uncle, I noticed a blue ribbon on the front of his pen.  That means he won first prize.  

CHARLOTTE; Oh no.

TEMPLETON: Wait till Zuckerman gets hankering for some fresh pork and smoked ham.  He’ll take the knife to you my boy.

CHARLOTTE: Be still Templeton!  Don’ t pay any attention to him Wilbur!

TEMPLETON: I’ll bet he’s so scared he’s going to faint again. 

WILBUR: I’m going to stop worrying about myself.  There are more important things…you didn’t even notice that Charlotte has made an egg sack.

TEMPLETON: Egg sack?

WILBUR: Up there.  

TEMPLETON: Well, congratulations!  This has been a night!  And now I’m going to go find an old blanket and get some sleep….

SC. 8 CHARLOTTE/WILBUR

CHARLOTTE: Salutations!

WILBUR: Oh hello. What are salutations?

CHARLOTTE: It’s a fancy way of saying hello.

WILBUR: Oh. And salutations to you too. Very pleased to meet you. What is your name please? May I. know your name?

CHARLOTTE: My name is Charlotte.

WILBUR: Charlotte what?

CHARLOTTE: Charlotte A. Cavitica. I’m a spider.

WILBUR: I think you’re beautiful.

CHARLOTTE: Thank you.

WILBUR: And your web is beautiful too.

CHARLOTTE: It’s my home. I know it looks fragile. But it’s really very strong. It protects me. And I trap my food in it

WILBUR: I’m so happy you’ll be my friend. In fact, it restores my appetite. Will you join me?

CHARLOTTE: No thank you. My breakfast is waiting for me on the other side of my web.

WILBUR: Oh, what are you having?

CHARLOTTE: A fly. I caught it this morning.

WILBUR: You eat….flies?

CHARLOTTE: And bugs. Actually, I drink their blood.

WILBUR: Ugh.

CHARLOTTE; That’s the way I’m made. I can’t help it. Anyway, if I didn’t catch insects and eat them, there would soon be so many they’d destroy the earth and wipe everything out.

WILBUR: Really? I wouldn’t want that to happen.